Women Who Forgive Too Easily In Their Relationships

When you forgive too easily, you’re likely to be the master of extenuating circumstances, dredging up whatever you can about the offender’s injured past as evidence that his behavior toward you is no fault of his own.

“He was victimized by circumstances he didn’t deserve or control, so how can I hold him responsible for what he did to me?” you tell yourself, ignoring the fact that, though life may have loaded the gun, someone pulled the trigger. When you dwell on the fact that he inherited a genetic predisposition to alcohol, say, or was born with a physical disability, you fail to see that biology is not always destiny.

By writing off his injurious behavior, you free him from any obligation to treat you with the same respect he’s likely to expect of you. Excusing a persons behavior because of his personal damage is pseudo-forgiveness. So is over-identifying with him, and reasoning, “We’re all wounded. We’re all sinners who need to be forgiven. We’re all products of our upbringing. No one has it easy. Everyone has a story to tell. Who am I to judge?”

I’m not suggesting that there isn’t truth and wisdom in this charitable approach to forgiveness. But compassion needs to be balanced against a full appreciation of the harm he did to you. I ask you to have as genuine a concern for yourself as for him, to care as much about how you have been wronged as about how he has been wronged. Setting these priorities will free you to consider Acceptance as an alternative to Cheap Forgiveness.

When You Refuse to Forgive

Those of you who refuse to forgive will balk, “Don’t ask me to waste my time picking through someone else’s garbage. Why should I care why he hurt me or how his parents neglected him? Is it my job to dredge up compassion for someone who has deliberately wronged me, and make excuses for his transgression? To hell with his story.”

This response is understandable. When you view him as a victim, not just as a perpetrator, you risk feeling empathy and compassion for him. Seeing him in one-dimensional terms - as evil, as bad - makes it so much easier to keep your distance, feed off your self-righteous anger, and dismiss him. When you frame him in more complex ways, as a flawed human being struggling to survive his troubled past, you make it more difficult to condemn him.

To those of you who are determined never to forgive, let me ask: If by learning more about the offender you come to feel compassion for him, must you feel compromised? Is there anything dangerous in deepening your understanding of him? You can be softer without feeling weak or foolish or allowing yourself to be stepped on. You can know with certainty that what he did to you was wrong, yet be touched by whatever hardships he has personally endured.

Popularity: 27% [?]

Implicit Messages: The Blockage Of Communication

There is a great difference between what a person intends to say and what a person may actually say. An implicit message is one in which communication is not plainly expressed. It is implied. Implicit messages can entangle the real or intended message.

Implicit, or unspoken, messages can cause others to feel frustrated, confused or angry. When you receive implicit or hidden messages in the communications of others, it can confuse future communication. That’s why it’s important to say what you mean and mean what you say. For example, the implicit message in the sentence, “My stomach is rumbling,” could translate into the explicit message, “I’m hungry. When are we going to eat?”

If you adopt this unproductive and discouraging way of communicating by using implicit messages, your relationships may not be as fulfilling as you would like them to be. For example, after a disagreement during a discussion you are sitting next to the person with whom you are in a relationship. She states, “I’m cold.” She then moves away from you and wraps herself in a comforter. There can be a certain meaning or expectation implied in her message, and/or she may be disguising her own feelings of insecurity. Your perception is that she is withdrawing from you and insulating herself with the comforter. Your explicit message would be, “I’m feeling distant, anxious, and insecure after our disagreement.” This explicit message clearly states the person’s feelings and allows an opportunity for further discussion. Concealed, or implicit, messages disguise the person’s real emotions which may cause future complications.

Take personal responsibility for clarifying implicit messages to prevent the development of walls and barriers to communication. Don’t let hidden messages become the rule rather than the exception. Make the implicit (unspoken), explicit (spoken). Clearly state what you mean without reservation or disguise. Leave nothing implied. You can check out what the person feels by directly asking them, “Are you feeling distant and uncomfortable after our discussion? I’d like to clear up what’s going on between us.” Checking out the intended meaning in the message (”I’m cold”) will facilitate productive communication and congruent behavior, resulting in healthier relationships.

Start now! Don’t allow your future decisions and feelings to be controlled by unproductive past experiences. Now is the time to courageously move forward and change your unproductive, past communications.

Develop greater self-respect by becoming more capable and responsible for communicating with clarity, consistency, and decisiveness. Get in touch with your optimism and courage to overcome your incongruent, self-defeating communication and behavior. Use your empathy and communication skills to develop the new, success-focused you! Your potential is unlimited!

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The Difference Between Men & Women’s Insecurity

In most cases, men typically assume that once a woman is fulfilled and content with the relationship, she should stay that way. He thinks that once he has proven his love for her, then she should know it forever. She should feel secure with him, regardless of what happens, without ever needing to be reassured or reminded. While this point of view is obviously different from what women think, from the male point of view, this attitude makes perfect sense.

Here is when trouble sets in, because women find this attitude absolutely hard to accept. It is just plain inconsistent with their internal reality. And like all people who want to be and feel loved, women need to be reassured that she is special, that she is worthy, understandable, and of course lovable. This is no different for men. They also need to be reassured, but they get encouragement mainly through their work. Women, however, primarily need reassurance through the relationships they are in.

When a man’s work fails, he begins to doubt his worthiness. In a complimentary way, when a woman is ignored by her husband, she begins to doubt her worthiness. She needs a constant supply of verbal signs, symbols, and ongoing reassurance from him that he loves and cherishes her.

If a man is in a relationship, he isn’t regarded to worry about rejection unless it actually happens. He does not consciously feel a need to be reassured because his successes in the world in which he works gives him that reassurance. And as a result, he doesn’t readily respect a women’s ongoing need to be reassured.

His focused reasoning goes something like this: “Even though I am preoccupied with my career these days, my wife should already know that I love her today, tomorrow, and all of the days after that, unless I tell her differently.” To a women this is just as absurd as the following comments would be to a man: “Even though my husband is broke and out of work, he should now that he will be rich with money again, because he was rich at one time before the business went bankrupt” or “Although he came in last today, he should know he’s a winner because at one time he did win his major yearly tennis tournament.

Certainly a man’s failures challenge him to realize his worth independent of his successes, but it is equally true that as he follows his failures with increasing success, his sense of self-worth is strengthened. As his business failed he must regroup himself and try again. As he begins to succeed, his confidence becomes more solid. Through a series of setbacks, the man who is able to try again strengthens his self-esteem.

A woman’s self worth is challenged when her partner withdraws. This painful experience is a time to center herself and realize her worth independent of his love. However, it is equally important that her feelings of insecurity are followed by reassurance and support from her partner.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Need more intimacy in your love life?

Does your husband, wife, or partner feel that you are not providing enough intimacy time? Or rather, do you feel that the fault for lack of intimacy is caused by them? There is a high probability that no one person is to blame.

In today’s world we are all so busy that the combined schedules of work and family has taken away the time for intimacy. So before you blame your partner for this problem, you must first take a look at your schedules and learn to implement time management, yes even for more frequent lovemaking.

I realize that the idea of “scheduling” in intimacy seems so formal, but there is nothing wrong with this practice and your love-life will improve as a result. So it cannot be that bad for you right?

Below are some tips to help you combine time management and your intimacy needs together to create a happy medium for you and your partner.

1. Use an appointment book to create sacred time for the two of you to be together. A good example would be to set aside one night each week as a “date” night. On this evening you will make arrangements to have everything out of the way accept for time with your special someone. And treat this scheduled time just like you would treat an important business meeting or job interview. Be excited, be on time, give it your all, make it meaningful.

2. Another tactic would be to schedule your entire week around your chosen intimacy times, and not the other way around. In other words if you and your wife, husband, or partner decide that you want to have lovemaking times three times per week then your work, family, and social life would be created around those three times.

3. Last but certainly not least, another great way to free up your time to enable you to spend more intimacy with your special other is to stop spending time with time-wasters. Social and family obligations, while it is respectful to attend them, can be a real time waster as well as a drag to go to if you are doing it out of expectations from from your family and friends.

If you catch yourself attending these family and social obligations week after week, while personal time with your loving partner is suffering, then it is time to put a temporary stop to those obligations and take back your time. This is so that you are your wife, husband, or partner can be more intimate with each other instead of giving your time to other people.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Success Means Taking Time For Your Family

Your relationships may grow together or apart because of the priority you do or don’t place on your personal time. Your kids are growing up. You are getting older. Time you could have spent with your family or on your own personal dreams and goals is irreplaceable.

How many families have you observed in which there seem to be no shared interests or little interaction or quality time spent together? They’re not a family; they are just roommates. If you want roommates, find tenants who will pay rent but will not get involved in your business or personal life. Family members should not be treated as nonpaying tenants who just happen to occupy the same house.

Make dinner each evening with your family a commitment. Set an automatic business cutoff time. If you like to work late at the office, then schedule dinner at 6:30 or 7 p.m. Be there every time, no matter what you leave undone at the office. Don’t worry, it will still be there tomorrow. Ensure that your family spends at least thirty minutes together at the table each evening with meaningful discussions, a lot of humor, a lot of fun. Make it a family tradition.

If you want to spend quality time with your family at dinner without one of you being stuck in the kitchen cooking, serving, and cleaning up, then bring home take-out or have someone cook and deliver. Or share kitchen chores as a family, making that part of the quality time you spend together. Get creative - it’s your life.

If you become a slave to either office worries or to household chores, they will have power over your life. If, on the other hand, you treat your personal time as the most important time of your life, you will end up refreshed, less frustrated, and less stressed out, and you will have more positive energy each time you tackle new business situations and problems.

Schedule all of your personal activities on a “Daily Activities List.” Your daily business activities are scheduled on that same list. Compare the two schedules. Is there a conflict or the potential for conflict? If so then reschedule to avoid it. And remember, a scheduled personal activity, like a scheduled business activity, is an appointment that you are committed to keep. Don’t lose sight of why you work so hard - to be able to enjoy your personal life and to finance your personal dreams and goals.

Popularity: 32% [?]

Rejection: Don’t Take It Personal

Rejection occurs when someone says, “no” to your idea, request, or action. Some people need the approval of other people. They are vulnerable when told “no.” But the assertive person accepts “no” as a denial in a specific situation and doesn’t think that he is being rejected as a person.

Communication is the expression of another’s perception. “No” is not a rejection of you. It is the rejection of an idea. Don’t take it personally. This only complicates your ability to communicate and decreases your effectiveness and understanding of the situation.

Though there are some dishonest manipulators who say, “no” and mean it as a direct rejection of you, most people want the same things from communication as you do. No one likes to be talked down to. Nobody likes rejection. But honest and straightforward clarification of criticism or rejection helps you to resolve the conflict. Concentrate on remaining objective and not giving in to your emotions.

Conflict caused by criticism and rejection can be resolved by clarifying the situation with yourself and the other involved. Don’t store up bad feelings of rejection and anger only to have them resurface at a later time. Clear the air. Express your feelings. Accept the feelings and information of the other person. Then move on.

Popularity: 23% [?]

Overloaded Voice Mail: 3 Ways To Organize & Reduce Your Messages

One of the biggest complaints about voice mail is that people get too many messages, and it takes too long to listen to them. Here are some tips that can help you deal with this problem:

1. Increase the playback speed of your calls. When you listen to your messages, speed them up so that you can get through them quicker. (This feature may not be available on all voice mail systems or home answering machines.)

2. Limit the length of time for each message. If you’ve got long-winded people, limit the length of time that a person can leave a message to 60, 90, or 120 seconds at most. (When you record your message, tell callers that they have only 60 seconds to leave their messages.)

3. Limit the number of calls your voice mail box can hold. I know this advice may sound like it’s defeating the purpose of the voice mail system, but if you’re getting too many calls, try limiting the number of calls that your voice mail box can hold. When your box is full, the caller will be told something like: “This voice mail box is full.” Now the caller will have to call someone else, call back later, or send a letter or e-mail message.

Popularity: 27% [?]

Standing up to your partner’s criticism

Many men and women often feel unfairly criticized by their partner, yet find themselves powerless to defend themselves. If you are having a similar problem, then the steps below can help you rebuild your self-esteem and regain your footing:

1. Remind yourself that you are entitled to your feelings. You have every right to stand up and say: “I am extremely offended by what you said and I do not appreciate it!” If the problem persists, then walk away, as this will send a powerful message back to your bickering partner.

2. The worst thing you can do in retaliation to criticism is to respond back in the same negative manner. This escalates the argument and creates more of a power struggle. Most often the people who criticize their spouses feed off of return anger, so do not be angry, simply walk away and ignore them.

3. Ask yourself (and be honest with your answer) if there may be a shred of truth to what your partner is saying when they are criticizing you. They may have a valid point but just does not know how to peacefully get that point across without using criticism. If this is the case, then you should be the better person but being honest with yourself and consider what your partner is saying as possible truth.

Popularity: 15% [?]

How to communicate with your teen

Raising children in today’s world is not an easy task, and this is especially true when they become teenagers. And your number one job as a parent is to communicate effectively to your son your daughter the best you can.

Of course you may go through some very rough times as they are getting through their teenage years trying to find their way, but this is the most important time of their lives, also the most confusing, and they need you.

It’s been said that raising a teenager is a lot like being an Air Traffic Controller and some of the rules below could apply to both situations:

1. Keeping the airplane (your teen) on the radar screen at all times is vital. You cannot lose track of the direction in which your child is moving in. You do not want to be overbearing to the point of them running from you, but at the same time you want to make sure you are keeping good tabs on their social life, their academics, and their behavioral patterns.

2. If something is wrong with the airplane (your teen), then it is your duty to bring the flight in to fix the problem. If your son or daughter appears to be having problems, you must know how to communicate well with them so that they will realize that they can always go to mom and dad whenever they have problems.

3. When the plane (your teen) hits turbulence and things get rough, you cannot leave your post just because you do not like the situation. If there is a major problem and the issue is giving both you and your child a rough time, your duty as a parent is to stick it out and be there for them, regardless of the pain you may be going through to help.

4. The biggest danger you have to face is losing communication with the airplane (your teen) on your radar screen. In other words, in addition to doing all you can to keep communication open with your teen, you must also do everything possible to re-establish that communication should it become lost.

Popularity: 24% [?]

The Cat and the Crow

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