Women Who Forgive Too Easily In Their Relationships

Posted on December 20, 2007
Filed Under Relationships

When you forgive too easily, you’re likely to be the master of extenuating circumstances, dredging up whatever you can about the offender’s injured past as evidence that his behavior toward you is no fault of his own.

“He was victimized by circumstances he didn’t deserve or control, so how can I hold him responsible for what he did to me?” you tell yourself, ignoring the fact that, though life may have loaded the gun, someone pulled the trigger. When you dwell on the fact that he inherited a genetic predisposition to alcohol, say, or was born with a physical disability, you fail to see that biology is not always destiny.

By writing off his injurious behavior, you free him from any obligation to treat you with the same respect he’s likely to expect of you. Excusing a persons behavior because of his personal damage is pseudo-forgiveness. So is over-identifying with him, and reasoning, “We’re all wounded. We’re all sinners who need to be forgiven. We’re all products of our upbringing. No one has it easy. Everyone has a story to tell. Who am I to judge?”

I’m not suggesting that there isn’t truth and wisdom in this charitable approach to forgiveness. But compassion needs to be balanced against a full appreciation of the harm he did to you. I ask you to have as genuine a concern for yourself as for him, to care as much about how you have been wronged as about how he has been wronged. Setting these priorities will free you to consider Acceptance as an alternative to Cheap Forgiveness.

When You Refuse to Forgive

Those of you who refuse to forgive will balk, “Don’t ask me to waste my time picking through someone else’s garbage. Why should I care why he hurt me or how his parents neglected him? Is it my job to dredge up compassion for someone who has deliberately wronged me, and make excuses for his transgression? To hell with his story.”

This response is understandable. When you view him as a victim, not just as a perpetrator, you risk feeling empathy and compassion for him. Seeing him in one-dimensional terms - as evil, as bad - makes it so much easier to keep your distance, feed off your self-righteous anger, and dismiss him. When you frame him in more complex ways, as a flawed human being struggling to survive his troubled past, you make it more difficult to condemn him.

To those of you who are determined never to forgive, let me ask: If by learning more about the offender you come to feel compassion for him, must you feel compromised? Is there anything dangerous in deepening your understanding of him? You can be softer without feeling weak or foolish or allowing yourself to be stepped on. You can know with certainty that what he did to you was wrong, yet be touched by whatever hardships he has personally endured.

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