Assertive Communication

Assertive behavior is self-enhancing. When you express your feelings honestly, you usually achieve your goal. You generally feel good about yourself when you choose to behave in an assertive manner, even if your goals are not achieved.

You must tailor your communication to circumstances of each new situation. Behavior that applies to some persons and circumstances does not apply to all persons or situations. Each situation is different. There are times when a passive response is most appropriate. Sometimes, an aggressive response is needed. Most of the time, assertiveness is the key.

Always be true to your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person’s thoughts, feelings or beliefs, and you are likely to retain the trust and goodwill of those around you. Think in terms of I-messages. An I-message expresses your feelings and experiences without making the other person responsible for them. An I-message is honest and genuine. It doesn’t judge, blame or interrupt. It never tells the other person what he should think or feel.

Successful use of I-messages requires that you know exactly what you want and need, take personal responsibility for meeting your preferences, express yourself to the person whose cooperation you need, and be willing to listen if the other person becomes defensive.

If you develop a full understanding of assertive communication, you can choose appropriate and self-fulfilling responses for a variety of situations. All effective assertive communication, however, is characterized by a basic four-part message:
1. Non-judgmental description of the behavior to be changed.
2. Disclosure of the assertor’s feelings.
3. Clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person’s behavior on the assertor.
4. Description of the behavior that would be more satisfactory.

You’ll send more assertive messages when you use this formula: “When you (state the other person’s behavior non-judgmentally), I feel (disclose your feelings) because (explain the impact on your life). I prefer (describe what you want).” This way, the four parts of the assertion message are stated as clearly as possible and are contained in one sentence.

This style of communication requires conscientious practice. Others don’t know what behavior you want modified. You must clearly communicate what the other person does that frustrates you. This can be difficult. People seldom describe behavior accurately enough for listeners to understand how their actions frustrate the speaker. These guidelines will help you develop effective behavior description skills:

1. Describe the behavior in specific rather than general terms.
2. Limit yourself to behavioral descriptions. Do not draw inferences about the other person’s motive, attitudes, character, etc.
3. Be objective rather than judgmental.
4. Be as brief as possible.
5. Communicate the real issues to the right person.

Popularity: 20% [?]

Stop smoking goals are the most difficult to achieve

Ask any smoker who wants to quit smoking. The answer is the same. There is nothing more difficult than executing stop smoking goals. It is one addiction that is very hard to give up. So, how should one proceed?

The first thing to do is to write down why you want to quit smoking. There is nothing more powerful than defining your goal. You can always go back to what you have written and be motivated by it

Next, set a date and work towards it. Don’t give in to the desire to have a single puff. That puff becomes a full smoke very quickly, and your best intentions will go up in smoke.

Set a time frame to get rid of everything that you associate with smoking. This includes ashtrays, lighters, match boxes, everything. Keeping a lighter for a just-in-case scenario is a subconscious acceptance of the fact that one day you plan to return.

Keep yourself occupied. This will keep your mind off cigarettes. Also, reward yourself for not smoking. Successful quitters agree that the reward principle is an effective one.

Cut down on alcohol and caffeinated drinks. Drink a lot of water. Buy a large supply of raisins, gum or snacks that you can pop into your mouth whenever the urge to smoke hits you. What most smokers miss is the act of putting something into their mouth. You can also keep your hands busy by carrying a stress ball or a doodle pad.

Do something physical like taking a walk. This is more so when you are stressed. Most people reach for a cigarette when they are stressed. If you reach for a pair of walking shoes instead it’s a double benefit.

Be more proactive about spending time with non-smokers or those who have quit smoking.

If you slip, take it with a pinch of salt. Everyone does. Some fail many times before they kick the butt. Just analyze what went wrong and start all over again.

Popularity: 16% [?]

What Are Dividend Reinvestment Plans?

Increasing numbers of corporations allow existing holders of shares of stock to reinvest their dividends (known as DRIPs) in more shares of stock without paying brokerage commissions. In some cases, companies allow you to make additional cash purchases of more shares of stock, also commission-free.

In order to qualify for most DRIPs, you must generally have already bought some shares of stock in the company. Ideally, you bought these initial shares through a discount broker to keep your commission burden as low as possible. Although DRIPs reduce your stock commissions on future purchases, DRIPs have their shortcomings:

1. You need to complete a lot of paperwork to invest in a number of different companies’ DRIP stock plans. Life is too short to bother with these plans for this reason alone.

2.. Some companies that offer these plans are hungry, for whatever reason. They need to drum up support for their stock. These investments may not be the best ones for the future.

3. DRIP plans don’t eliminate fees. You still pay fees to buy the initial shares of stock, and many DRIP plans charge nominal fees for additional transactions and services. Taking these shortcomings into account, you’re better off in the long run using professional money managers, such as those available through the best no-load, cost-efficient mutual funds.

Popularity: 20% [?]

Time management as a lifestyle

Do you have the desire to get more work done, faster, more efficient, and with less overall strain on your energy? Every man and women who has the desire to be high achievers in life have the very same goals as you do and it all starts with time management. There is one thing that you must know about what it takes to effectively manage your time, however, and that is that you will not succeed in making your life perfect in one shot. It does not work that way. Rather, time management is a lifestyle, a daily practice, a frame of mind.

There are hundreds of techniques that you can implement to get the ball rolling in your life when it comes to time management. One such technique is to develop and concentrate on the habits that will make you successful in the areas of working smarter, faster, and more efficient. Ask yourself this question: What are the habits and behavior patterns that you consider will help you get the most out of your day and increase your productivity?

Your goal is to concentrate your thoughts on creating the habits of focus, dedication, concentration, discipline, and positive results. These factors will become your personal motivators which will help you strive for high performance. And one best kept secret of time management is to learn to use the art of doing one task at at time, the very best that you can.

There is no greater threat to time management and loosing focus than handling too much at one time. Your projects and tasks end up being only partially complete and without the quality they deserve. Concentrate on doing only one single task at at time, all day long, until it is done. Practice this habit on a daily basis until it becomes etched within your personal work ethic.

What activities are best for you to practice to guarantee that you are working and performing your very best? Your answers should be written down as a checklist and reviewed on a regular basis. Make sure that you are always working on your most valuable task at any given moment and making the most of your time, each and every day.

There is no better take of action that will help you with mastering time management than forming daily habits of planning, setting up your priorities, and working on the greatest-value tasks first within your day. Developing these habits can only be achieved by practicing them repetitively until they are part of your lifestyle. Remember, time management is not something that you tend to when you feel the need, it is indeed a lifestyle that can take your entire career and personal life to new heights.

Popularity: 23% [?]

The Role Of Romantic Play During The Beginning Of A Relationship

Let’s talk about the beginning of a relationship, when you first felt that exciting attraction for someone. There is that wonderful euphoric feeling of falling for the other person. Using “play” is at the heart of every courtship, regardless of the approach. It is the approach that differs from person to person and culture to culture.

It’s called “Love Magic”

Anthropologists who investigate so called primitive cultures described a curious type of courtship, which they called “love magic”. For example, the would-be suitor, who is almost always a male, might throw rocks at a girl or put oily material in her hair or perhaps smear a colored paint-like substance on her shoulder. Among the Southwestern Apache Indians, the male flashed a mirror at his intended love interest, while the African Azande tried to manipulate the dreams of his beloved women. In central India, the Baiga’s love potions were made most powerful by adding some dust from the women’s right footprint. These practices are highly ritualized and involve belief in some inchoate powers, which the rituals are able to tap, but they are also communicative acts.

When a women knows of a man’s intentions, the “magic” can be understood in psychological terms as hypnotic suggestion. In fact, Sigmund Freud wrote of being in love as having many similarities to a hypnotic state. One benefit over a more direct approach is that, if rejected, the suitor may be less embarrassed. The same function is served in Western industrialized cultures by plan. We often banter with each other when the intended goal is seemingly to entertain ourselves and make each other laugh. But however the approach we are using, and from whatever culture we are from, we are checking each other out: “Am I interested in you, are you interested in me?”

Play also helps facilitate an early attraction, for the same reason that a public speaker begins his talk with a couple of jokes – it sets his audience at ease. A chance of having a direct appeal on our love interest can only come after we have set this relaxed atmosphere and put the other person at ease, just like our public speaker does with his audience above. Another advantage of the playful approach that also delivers those same feelings of love magic, is during the process of getting the attention of the person in whom you are interested. Being creative with your approach and winning over the other person one little bit at at time is, to many people, more joyous of an experience than actually falling in love.

Popularity: 17% [?]

Are You Ready For Change In Your Life ?

When you are willing to set goals, your motivation becomes more focused and less confused in everyday interactions. Setting goals and designing your dreams and aspirations is a commitment to participate in a dynamic relationship and interaction between yourself and others. Committing yourself to be in a relationship with others helps to create an environment of self-support. The “willingness” to define your goals and aspirations provide you with the motivation to focus on achieving your goals.

Your “will” to take action and achieve your goals is different than wishing your goals to complete themselves. Wishing is a desire for the possibility of some act or state arbitrarily occurring. When it comes to making your goals happen, wishing can be self-sabotaging. “Willing” is self-responsible behavior. When you take conscious control of your life, you actively plan your course or direction. Determining your direction builds positive momentum in your life. Creating positive momentum and enthusiasm drive you to share your enthusiasm with others. When you encourage others to believe in themselves you build positive momentum in their lives.

Your first responsibility as an encouraging person is to yourself. Make your best effort to provide the proper atmosphere for growth to occur. Discovering your own personal power and “free will” requires an attitude of positive self-control.

Without commitment, you are helplessly determined by others and their “will.” To overcome fear and determine your own destiny, you must make a commitment to believe in your own free will. By being committed, you actively assert yourself in your relationship with others and the world. When you become self-supportive, you become better equipped to overcome barriers that prevent you from reaching your goals. By committing yourself to your goals, you generate power in taking a risk to achieve your goals. Developing clarity of focus increases your self-determination and your ability to make up your own mind.

Breaking the shackles of past behaviors and attitudes that have kept you from growing and changing can be uncomfortable. Change is not always comfortable, and it’s definitely not stable or predictable. Deciding to make new, positive changes that generate excitement, or to remain in your stable, sedentary world (or relationship), is a decision only you can make. You have one question to ask yourself: What’s rewarding to you? If you’re comfortable with staying in one spot in life, that’s your choice. But if you want to move on and travel to new destinations, mentally and emotionally, then go for the change.

The challenge is to take conscious control of producing positive thoughts and behaviors that will create healthy choices for you and your life. Make up your mind and overcome your fears. Your positive attitude, like your “will,” is powerful medicine. Turn on your power key to success and become more dynamic. Get fired up and drive with conviction toward your dreams.

Popularity: 32% [?]

Associating Yourself With Positive People

The people you associate with - whether on the job or socially - can have a motivating or a demotivating effect on you. Some folks see life in a positive light and are natural motivators. If a positive person asks you how you’re doing and you say, “Not well at all. I’ve had this cold for a week now,” their response is something like, “I’m so sorry. I bet you’ll be good as new and feeling better in no time!” A negative, demotivating person may respond by saying, “I know what you mean. A cold like that can sure ruin your week. If you’re like me, it’ll probably take you a whole month to get over it!”

You associate with some people not by choice but simply by circumstance. You can’t choose your coworkers, for example; sometimes you have to do the best you can to work with and get along with them congenially. However, you don’t have to associate with demotivating people at breaks, meals, or after-work social events. Find ways to remain cordial, but don’t spend too much time with those people.

Instead, surround yourself with people who make you feel better about yourself, people who notice what’s right and good instead of what’s wrong and bad. Everyone has said on some occasion, “I just feel inspired; I feel better about myself and my future when I’m around so and-so.” In other words, choose to associate with people you want to be more like.

Popularity: 21% [?]

Are you too busy for intimacy?

Among couples that come in to counseling with relationship problems, the most common complaint about intimacy is: “We’re just too busy for sex.” This is especially true when the husband and wife are both working full time jobs. Add to that schedule a family of children to take care of, and it is quite understandable that their lives are very busy to include regular intimacy. But is a busy schedule the real reasons why these couples are lacking intimacy?

In dealing with couples for years now, I have talked with hundreds of men and women who will spend everyday planning their dinner or their wardrobe, get in their television shows each night, get to the gym three times per week, etc. but thinking nothing of putting a priority on planning and engaging intimacy with their partners. In terms of priorities, sex seems to usually come last, far behind all of the above typical schedule. These couples have literally schedule intimacy right out of their lives. Are you one of them?

For most of us, being “too busy” in our lives is simply another subtle way we avoid sex, another way we turn ourselves off without honestly confronting what it is we are doing. We say, “Can’t you see all of the things that I have to do everyday? I have PTA meetings, work, grocery shopping, house cleaning, and errands to run.” By missing the time for intimacy, we never have to face the anxieties or the resentments which are actually the real reasons why we haven’t made love for weeks or even months on end.

There was one middle-aged women who was literally in tears at her counseling session when she said to me, “Each night we I go to bed and see my husband’s back lying there next to me, all that I can think about is: It’s been over 8 weeks since we made love!” But as our conversation went much further, she admitted that she went to yoga classes up to four times per week and jogged for an hour at an additional three days per week, all the while her husband was at home, alone. Soon enough she was admitting to me (and to herself) that she was ashamed of weight that she had put on her body and that she wasn’t going to feel sexual until her body was in the shape that she wanted it to be.

As you can see, the problem was not totally the fault of her husband. In fact, she was creating her own reality of not making love, because she was insecure about herself. And while this wasn’t easy for her to admit the whole time, she was able to feel safe by blaming her husband for the lack of intimacy. The sooner that we truly become honest with ourselves and work outward from the inside, the sooner that our intimacy problems can addressed.

Popularity: 17% [?]

Dating Tips: Learn how to overcome the fear of commitment

Do you have a major fear of commitment? Are you a “commitment phobe” when it comes to being with one person for a long period of time? Are you trying to break that problem and give a relationship 100% commitment? The good news is that there is indeed a method of overcoming your fears.

Don’t get me wrong, overcoming the fear of commitment is not that easy for some people. This is mostly due to the fact that this particular issue with commitment is typically the result of a major hurtful event in one’s life, where your heart was probably broken by an old boyfriend or girlfriend. Or perhaps on a deeper level you had a bad experience watching your parents engage in a nasty divorce that caused you to fear commitment.

Whatever it is that might be at the root cause, it is up to you to decide to change and learn to put aside your fears in order to maintain a loving and lasting relationship. Although it may take some counseling and work if your problems run very deep, there are a few very simple ways that you can start working on your commitment issues. In fact, you can start this very moment by going over and implementing the following tips:

1. Come face to face with reality that no one person will ever fulfill all of your needs. This line of thinking is unhealthy to begin with, not including expecting other people to make you happy.

You make yourself happy, that is the only person who can do so. Expecting another to do it will only help you break off relationships and fulfill your desire to continue fearing commitment. Nobody is perfect.

2. Stabilize that wondering eye! You know what I am talking about. If you truly are looking to maintain that loving relationship that you are in then you will have to control yourself when it comes to looking at other men or women.

Of course this may be just a physical act, but for those of you who have severe issues with commitment it also is a mental act. While you may be admiring someone who is nice looking, on a deeper level you are also looking for “something better” or “a way out” of your current relationship.

3. When you get angry at your girlfriend or boyfriend and argue, learn to stop the fight and reevaluate the root cause. People who have major issues with committing in a relationship tend to be overly anger at their partner.

They have these negative emotions due to their own lack of control when it comes to committing and tend to take it out on the other person. When you get angry then take a step back and really come clean with yourself about why you are angry and do something about it!

Popularity: 17% [?]

3 Ways To Turn Negative Situations Into Positive Ones

1. When you talk, listen to yourself for the “buts,” “could ofs” and “gonnas” in your own conversations and those of people around you. Zap those negatively charged words and phrases from your own vocabulary.

2. Create scenarios in which you may have reacted negatively in the past and envision yourself responding in the future with a positive charge. For example: Your boss hands back a report saying it is unsatisfactory and telling you to redo it. In the past you might have made excuses and blamed co-workers or conditions. Now you respond by thanking the boss for the opportunity to improve it.

3. Consider a problem or difficult situation in your life. Is it something that you can change? Or is it something you have no control of? Positively charged people learn to attack those problems that they can change and to live with those that they cannot - thereby robbing the problem of its power over them. If you cannot change the problem, change the way you view it. Example: “My employer is going to lay me off for three weeks.” Positive response: “I can spend the time seriously looking for a better, more secure job.”

Popularity: 21% [?]

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